That’s the Varsi-tea

For the biggest game of the year, it’s only right that it gets a HEFTY match report. Thank you to Miss Evans and Miss Cuming for recording 99% of that match, so grab a pint of Stag’s lager, double tap your mate’s unprotected beverage and consider buying the audiobook for this on Amazon for the tour flight.

Armed with red shades, a cocky attitude and a full team of Southampton’s sexiest water polo players, SUWPC was ready to make a return to varsity to help win the crown against Portsmouth. A pre-match tactics meeting with our beautiful coach Alex Wilmshurst (whose prehistoric reign in the club meant he had already played varsity before the 6-year deficit where we were unable to assert our dominance) was held where we were informed that we weren’t allowed to dick around unless we had a 7-goal cushion, unfortunately VP Smithy was deaf for this part of the conversation. This news prevented (for better or for worse) the intentional wrappings of several players as we all wanted to make our polo dad proud. An extract of his passionate paragraph which you would be forgiven for if you thought it was from an explicit magazine:

“We return after 6 years in limbo; 6 years of anticipation; 6 years of desire. Tomorrow we get to bury all these frustrations.”

After inducting the girls into the infamous “stags stags stags” chant where they finally realised its effectiveness in procuring hype for the match, a formidable starting 7 took up the reins on the goal line. To remind everyone why he was a part of swim team, our pretty president Finn Thomas effortlessly wins the first swim off, securing possession of the ball and flying down to receive the pass. In prime shooting position, a very not so subtle foul from Portsmouth meant that Finn won a penalty only 23 seconds into the match. Tensions were at an all-time low as he lined up to take the penalty and to the shock of absolutely no one in the pool the ball flew into the back of the net at a speed no slower than 70 mph. 1-0!! With Portsmouth on the attack, we set up our protective arc around Swellis. After committing to the half-press too much, Rhia Perks wins our first (and ONLY) diva down of the match and is sent to sit on poolside and think about what she did. Luckily, an absolute brick wall of a defence and tank of a goalie nullified Portsmouth’s man up and Rhia rejoined the match. Thomas proves that it wasn’t a fluke, and he is just that skilled (we all knew anyway) and manages to win another pen and promptly brings the scoreline to 2-0. Unfortunately, a 2-goal lead was all Portsmouth were happy with us having and they managed to score against us, I heard the D in pit D stands for ‘Do better’. After losing possession of the ball but winning the crossbar challenge (a common theme this match) we found ourselves defending again. Determined to regain possession Daniel Ammon makes like Portsmouth and gives away a penalty which unfortunately went in but hey, at least we had the ball again.

Despite winning a man-up, and a perfectly executed pit pass from Jack (he finally stopped bouncing the ball on the water), Mr Ammon really liked the look of the crossbar and sent us on a back and forth that lasted a few minutes because Sam Ellis was too cracked (much like his skull) to let a shot in, blocking an insane backshot with his face. X-rays after showed his nose is made of metal because that is the only explanation that it didn’t bleed or break. Muscle Mummy Iris Bugnar took up her position in pit A and prepared to score with a shot that would have shattered the sound barrier but the Portsmouth bloke defending her decided he would rather have the shot from a penalty and threw up both his hands to defend. Whistle. Feeling generous, Iris let Ed Wilkes take the pen. Will he score? Yes. He. Wilkes!! With a shot that did shatter the sound barrier and brought us to 3-2. Mr Ellis prevents the scoreline from proceeding any further by throwing himself in the path of a cheeky swat from the Portsmouth attackers at the end of the quarter.

Moving into the shallow end, Ellis subs out of goal for Neve ‘Daddy Long Arms’ Rowland who’s ready to smack silly anyone within the 5m line. Keeping consistent, Finn scored our first goal of the quarter which was quickly equalised by a lethal backshot from Portsmouth #5. My apologies Neve, I was simply unaware he was built like that. This equalisation happened again with a STUNNING lob from Finn and a NASTY backshot from #5. Clearly Jack was not on his usual streak of being an unstoppable pit D. Fool me once? Shame on you. Fool me twice? Well… Thankfully that was the last of Portsmouth’s goals for the first half of the game because Jack learnt his lesson and blocked the third backshot, he felt very bad about making Neve try to save a completely blind shot. With a breakaway sprint from Wilkes, he swam straight onto the ball and slotted the ball in between the goalie and the right post as is his signature. Now the ball being about 20 cm in diameter and the goalie leaving an inch between themselves and the post, I can’t help but question if Ed is able to break the laws of physics because this shot is not a one-time thing from him. In our first successful defence that quarter (Jack got subbed out), Dan silly sAmmons onto the Portsmouth attacker, somehow getting a ball under called against Portsmouth, letting Finn scoop it up to start out attack.

Another man up for us leaves our President in front of their goalkeeper and suddenly we’re up 7-4. During the back and forth that was about to ensure Samuel Dalton, who had: shrunk by about a foot, transitioned to a woman; was now called Katie Smith, managed to draw a foul despite resting her elbow on top of the shoulder of her Portsmouth attacker and very visibly having her waistline above the water. Luckily the refs didn’t watch the VAR (SUWPC Instagram story) because she then played the ball whilst having her entire left arm stretched over poolside. Here’s a quick brush up on what’s considered an ordinary foul for those who don’t know:

8.4 To hold or push off from the goal posts or their fixtures, to hold or push off from the sides or ends of the pool during actual play or at the start of a period.

Once again enforcing the fact that you can do whatever the you want as long as you don’t get caught. She makes sure this is known by proceeding to count to one on her middle finger.

Efforts (unsuccessful) to recreate his earlier lob from Finn Thomas (it went about 10 metres above the crossbar) and an impeccable job from Neve saving some rocket shots dwindled us down to the last 30 seconds where a joint effort put Thomas and Wilkes in front of the goal passing between them. With 25 seconds left of the match and, no understatement whatsoever, the ENTIRE LEFT-HAND SIDE of the goal wide open, Wilkes catches the ball and decides to shoot in the bottom right corner. The ball TICKLES the armpit of the Portsmouth goalie before sitting in the back of the net and the first half ends soon after at 8-4.

At half-time and only Wilkes and Thomas having scored so far, the rest of the team were angsty to make an appearance on the scoreboard.

The 3rd quarter was slightly traumatic in terms of scoreline, violations and gameplay choices that quite frankly elude the current meta of water polo. It starts with us successfully getting one of Portsmouth’s guys wrapped (just about the only thing that went well). A concept so foreign to our players that Lottie started doing cartwheels down poolside in confusion. This wrapping was such a surprise that we had also apparently forgotten how to score off a man-up. On the counter, Portsmouth’s #5 (he comes up a lot, had a great little natter with him, we’re besties now) received a ball in pit and despite the full weight of our VP Smithy pressing down on him, her arm completely extended raising her head just above goal height, he whizzed the ball into the back of the net. On this day Smithy learned that being a skinny queen whose waistline needs a missing person’s case filed for it, doesn’t help when you’re trying to drown 6-foot men with arms the size of cannons.

Now on the attack though, Katie guns her way onto the post and masterfully manoeuvres her man so she can receive a pass from Teng who has pulled the goalie off-centre. After such a tactful display of skill, Smithy recieves. An exquisite pass from Teng lands in her hands and she shoots. Now, notice the plural. Smithy was not, to my knowledge, the goalkeeper at the time and uh…

8.8 To play or touch the ball with two hands at the same time, unless by the goalkeeper while within the 6 metre area.

The flop fest continues as captain Teng stays true to his average of 1 cramp per game and gets papped as he stretches out his leg. Our very own iron woman, Georgia Skelton finds this amusing until she is subbed in where she soon after gets traumatized by being in very close contact with a male appendage. Expansion on that sentence will not be given at risk of causing a welfare incident.

Luckily to turn it around, Rhia shows off her Siren’s speed and sprints it all the way down to 2 metres with a Portsmouth girl basically sitting on her back. Obviously fed-up with being a taxi service, Rhia wins the penalty and EFFORTLESSLY slots it away in the corner. This penalty inspires Mr James to give away one of his own resulting in a goal from Portsmouth. On our next attack, Howard was eyeing up the pass to Rhia in pit because of the fab job she had just done. Rhia, however, did not want the ball and was aggressively pointing to the outside arc and shouting “No”. But because she is such an icon, she got the ball anyway which she then chucked out like it was diseased. A couple passes and an attempt to dent the goal post later, we retreated to our half where Popple’s small and swift stature made him an assassin for stopping the attack. With a minute to go in the match and Thomas and Wilkes realising they hadn’t scored this quarter; they both made their marks. A seductive bounce shot from Thomas and a launch from Wilkes into the bottom left (wheyyyyy) corner ends the 3rd quarter at 11-7.

During the line up Jack and Lottie turned to each other and discussed how funny it would be to follow up on their plans of getting wrapped. Unfortunately, with a might tighter scoreline than expected, Ratledge made light of the fact that if we did that Alex would not be a happy coach and probably yell at us louder than usual, or express mild disappointment which is honestly worse. After winning possession of the ball, Portsmouth immediately calls a timeout, probably because they aren’t used to being in an advantageous position. A quick pep talk from Alex lets us know that if we’re marking one of their girls to not hold back from being physical as there is nothing they can do about it (he uses a tad harsher language). Rhia steps in and tells us that any gender player can be shit at water polo and that they’re bad because they’re bad, NOT because they’re women #InternationalWomen’sMonth. Anway, Portsmouth cock up their attack thanks to a quick shutdown from Popple who then launches the ball into Lottie’s face rather than passing (issues in the house?). A long pass down to Finn just outside the goal area from Jack, with Alex shouting at him not to, leads to another dent in the goal post. Luckily Finn redeemed this by passing into Rhia who turns her player, slides in front of the goalie and easily puts it into the back of the net.

After a quick turnaround on the defence, Finn finds himself sprinting down he pool with the same Portsmouth player sat on his back that sat on Rhia’s and wins the exclusion. He swims with the ball and shoots it directly into the chest of the Portsmouth goalie. Thankfully Alex was blessed with divine foresight and called the timeout just before this.

Now in a perfect 4-2 formation, Finn looks for the free man to pass to only to find that everyone is marked. Apparently, Portsmouth didn’t know how to play exclusions which is funny because enough of their players had been given majors at this point. After fixing this, Finn didn’t even need to pass because there was no pressure on him whatsoever and he bounced it into the net. In her defensive prowess, Georgia used her aerospace degree to levitate above the water by bearhugging her man and getting piggybacked whilst her attacker struggled to keep possession. This fascinating technique worked amazingly and let Neve take the ball whilst the attacker was left confused about the sudden intimacy of the game. Some light work gets the ball down to Ammon in pit and he puts it in the net.

A resilient Portsmouth managed to put 2 past our steadfast defenders and goalie much to the dismay of our supports and those on the bench paying attention (not me as this was when Georgia was giving me the rundown of how much fun she was having playing against men and how untraumatized she was). On the attack, Lottie Ratledge takes her foul outside 6 and with no clear pass available cleanly puts it away into top bins. Portsmouth retaliates with a goal of their own but that would be their last one this match. Another man-up situation leaves Teng and Ammon doing some textbook water polo where quick passing goes to Teng to Ammon to back of the goal. Immediately after we gain another man-up. The ball is passed to the stunning Jack James who takes his time moving into 2 metres, parting the Portsmouth players like the red sea. Despite Popple being in a perfect position to receive the ball and shoot, Jack has now gone 3 games against Portsmouth and is yet to score so he side-eyes Popple (the look giving, ‘move the fuck out of my way’) and plops it into the net, he can die happy now. As the final minute dwindles down, there is nothing Portsmouth can do against our absolute unit of our team and the first Varsity match in 6 years ends 17-10.

Feeling very good about themselves, everyone made their way to stags to get absolutely plastered and to celebrate their win.

Written by Jack James

Most Valuable Player: Finn Thomas, the reason for 90% of the majors from Portsmouth as well as scoring 7 goals. What a unit

Dick of the Day: Katie Smith who was apparently playing water polo for the first time.

Goals/Majors:

Swellis: 0/0

Muscle Mummy: 0/0

The Man, The Smith, The Legend: 0/0

The Tank: 7/0

Wilkes Score: 4/0

The GOAT: 2/1

Amm-on Fire: 2/1