The Biggest Boys returned to Jubilee for the final home game (they thought) of the season, a match thick with sentimentality and the faint smell of chlorine-induced nostalgia. (who has ever felt sentimental going into a match). With several of the squad preparing to graduate and leave the hallowed waters of Southampton. (Full stop here, should be a comma). It was never going to be a fair fight, as Essex arrived with only 7 players, and  unfortunately for them, (poor grammar) Southampton was more than ready to treat the goal frame like a buffet. (Interesting metaphor)

      First half: The Floodgates Open.      

The game started with a clinical display of dominance. Mr. Thomas and  Mr Alvarez treated the first half like a personal training session, racking up goals faster than the table could write them down. By the end of the second quarter, we were sitting on a 15-2 lead. Special mention must go to John Nelson, made a 3 (goal) meal out of the second quarter before going into a food coma for the remainder of the match.      Second half: Career Firsts and Captain Curses (i hope for your sake this is written by ai)

The second half was less of a match and more of a celebration. We saw a flurry of “season firsts” as the team shared the wealth. Even our keeper, Ellis, decided he was bored of just watching from the other end and charged up to bag himself a goal in the final quarter. (He technically didn’t score it, the other team felt bad after his 25 misses) Wilkes went on an absolute tear in the final eight minutes, putting away five goals to finish the game.

However, amidst this 34-goal masterclass, two anomalies occurred. First, Hibbetts, seemingly forgot where the goal was, finishing the match with a clean sheet. Second, and most impressively, Captain James maintained his pristine record, and has still not added and points to our side of the scoreboard this season. It takes a special kind of talent to be part of a 34-goal haul and remain completely anonymous on the scoresheet.

MVP: Elliot Oldham for his raw sex appeal and scoring his first bucs goal

Dick of the day: 2 lucky winners for this one, Fernando Alvarez for his diabolical act of getting his goal disqualified by being a poor sport and using his head to push the ball into the net.

Andy Hibbetts for using chatgpt to write this entire match report. Might replace him with AI in the starting 7 in the next match.

Written by; Andy Hibbetts, chatgpt and peer reviewed by a disappointed captain (in brackets)

Goals/Majors:

Sam Ellis 1/0

Tom Weekes 0/0

Elliot Oldham 1/0

Finn Thomas 8/0

Michael Scott 3/0

Andy Hibbetts 0/0

Ed Wilkes 8/0

Jack James -1/0

Fernando Alvarez 8/0

John Nelson 3/0

Luke Bennalick 2/0

George Lea 0/0

Sam Cross 0/0