An Intra-club Affair

Report Author: Rhia Perks

Game: Intra-Club Training Match

Score: Who knows

Date: 02/06/2021

On Sunday 30th May, all the girls and guys of SUWPC prepared themselves for a much-anticipated intra-club training match. Excitement was high, nerves were rife. We’d been training for it for a whole week. And then Sport and Wellbeing closed the pool without telling us. On Wednesday 2nd June, we tried again – with the pool open and completely poo-free, we were ready to go. Turning up in their gorgeous new kit, the whole of SUWPC took to the pool. After the girls did a great warm-up, and the boys messed about for a while, the match began. Full disclosure – I do not remember what happened, so this match report is going to be a bit of guess work. Don’t come for me if the events aren’t in the right order, and nobody is going to get given credit for goals or majors. Also, I was in the pool and not watching the match – so it’s basically just talking about myself. Bit of a poor match report. Soz.

The first quarter got off to a rough start, with the White team getting a full team with subs, and the Blue team barely managing the starting 7. After an unhelpful Tom decided it would be fine, we reported to the big guns, Sam W, who instructed Nathan to move into the Blue team. We’ll pretend that this imbalance wasn’t due to Sam in the first place. The match began with Rhia winning the swim off, so Blue team got hold of the ball. A lot of this quarter watched Omar absolutely destroy the blue team, with many counterattacks and lots of goals. Actually, that happened for most of the match. We also got to see our first major of the match – although nobody is really sure who did it. Tom blew his whistle and both teams prepared for a man down. Neither team prepared for a man up. Alex then swapped with Piña and we tried again. It was a bit confusing.

By the second quarter, most of us realised that we were not as fit as we used to be. We were pretty shattered already, so made use of our wonderful subs. This was a really nice feeling, because in a normal BUCS match, we rarely pull together enough members to manage a team with subs. The quarter started with White team winning the swim off. This quarter saw one excellent own goal from the White team goal, Oli. In a desperate attempt to block a shot from Piña, Oli somehow managed to chip the ball off Alex and straight into the goal he was supposed to be defending. Otherwise, I simply do not remember what happened in this quarter.

The game continued with Rhia going against her boyfriend, Alex in the next swim off – and absolutely thrashing him. The pair of them marked each other, and Alex gave her a top tip to “try and get away” from him – as if she hasn’t been trying for two years already. After this, the quarter got very aggressive. Claudia was so unhappy about Rhia’s win that she proceeded to elbow her in the face in an attempt to break her nose. This would be the third time Rhia had broken her nose, so it was no big deal. These vicious attacks continued as Char punched Ellie in the face. Ellie now has a popped blood vessel in her eye, so clearly the attack succeeded. It really became a bit of a boxing match in this quarter. I think this was also the quarter where Manav was attacked too, but this granted him a penalty for the White team. He set it up, and deliberately dummied the goalie by dropping the ball behind him. Deliberately. On purpose. It wasn’t an accident, and nobody laughed. It was a very clever tactic, and meant he managed to score his next goal. Shortly after, we saw the end of a very aggressive quarter.

The match continued, with some bruised and battered swimmers. We were also completely blind from all the chlorine. Both teams were told that counter attacks were no longer allowed – Omar, we’re looking at you. Following this, Rhia received the ball and swam down to the shallow end. Without passing to anyone else, she scored a goal after Omar got too confident in goal. He was reprimanded by Dalton, but actually she’s just a very good player and he never stood a chance. This may look like a counterattack, but really she waited until her whole team were there – they just decided they didn’t want the ball. Oli lived up to his reputation and argued with the ref, demanding that counter attacks are not allowed – but the ref gets free lifts from Rhia, so he decided to let it slide. Bribery pays off. Dalton quickly realised he hadn’t scored much, and his spotlight was fading, so decided to take a shot. Oh, and he was in goal. From the deep end, Dalton threw the ball all the way to the shallow end and straight into Ellie’s arms. He was criticised for this a lot – not only did he miss, but he forgot that the whole point of the match was for freshers to get some game experience. But hey, at least he showed up. The game continued, but half the players didn’t realise this and just stopped playing. Time to wrap it up.

The game finished and I do not know what the final score was – once again, an incredibly helpful match report. Then we went to the pub. Maybe that’s why I don’t remember it. Usually, I’d end a report with a summary of the goals and majors by each player, but nobody kept track of that. Anyway, well done SUWPC.

Man of the Match

Surely has to be Omar Tawakol.

Mug of the Match

We’re going for a double – Sam Dalton and Oli Dean. Two of the oldest members in the club setting a very bad example for our freshers.

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