SORRY NOT SURREY

Report Author: Rhia Perks

Game: Southampton Women vs Surrey Women

Location: Surrey Sports Park

Score: 13-6

Date: 05/12/2021

SUWPC ladies were ready for their last game of the term – a festive finale. 13 ladies and 1 taxi driver arrived on campus at 4:30 (yes Abbie, it was definitely 4:30). After successfully making it to the minibus without being blown away in the wind, we were ready to go.

Arriving at Surrey, intimidation strategies were employed as Antonia demonstrated her excellent squat and a quick rendition of The Hakka. Surrey fought back by claiming both goals during the warm-up, but we went to the big guns and got their coach to sort them out. After a very long warm-up, the match started and Rhia lost the swim off, giving Surrey control of the ball. Katie, determined to continue her successful reign as captain, snatched the ball back and scored within the first minute. Rhia then gave away a penalty, but nobody realised because she didn’t actually do anything. Anyway, Surrey scored. Rhia quickly redeemed herself though and scored a goal for Soton. Surrey then received two majors, and Katie wrapped up the quarter with another goal. The first quarter finishes with 3-1 and a very confused Abbie who somehow thought we were losing.

Quarter two began with a much more successful swim-off, with a win for Rhia. The W’s continued as she scored another goal. One second later (and no, that is not an exaggeration), Katie received a major and we were a man-down. Surrey, determined to keep the game fair, got a major themselves just one minute later and Soton took advantage of the man-up with another goal from Rhia. This was followed by one goal from Katie, but Surrey managed to score 3. Rhia and Char fought back with another goal each for Soton. The second quarter ended 8-4.

For the third quarter, the teams switched ends and we were sad to learn that we couldn’t push off the wall at this end either. Rhia said she felt tired, but Katie made her feel much better with a quick pep talk: “No you don’t.” Now full of energy, Rhia won the third swim off, but Surrey’s captain wasn’t happy so pulled Rhia’s entire boob out of her costume for revenge. To be fair, she was very apologetic. This quarter started slowly with no goals in the first 3 minutes. Some goal attempts were made but resulted in very confusing corners as the ref signalled for the wrong team to get possession of the ball (multiple times). Antonia refused to let any goals in until she put in so much effort that she could barely move her hand afterwards. Surrey managed to score against our bruised goalie by pushing the ball underwater – an incredible and totally legal tactic which the ref completely ignored. Katie fought back with 2 more goals. This was followed by my favourite goal of the day, as Megan played a counterattack and her defender randomly just stopped swimming. Megan swam straight to the goal and scored, then immediately called for a sub – her work here was done. Surrey’s number 3 fought back with an attack, literally. She kicked and punched, then held Emily underwater for a solid minute. After killing all of Soton’s defenders, she pretty effortlessly scored a goal for Surrey, but then earned herself a major. The third quarter ended 11-6.

Moving into the final quarter, President Alex gave us a pep talk – just waste time. Abbie and Natalia completely ignored these instructions and scored the final goals of the day. Nothing else happened in this quarter, so it’s good to see that everyone else was listening to Alex’s advice. Alex felt like giving us a rest, so called a time-out. The ref and table both completely ignored the request until Surrey took control of the ball and then they gave us an illegal time-out. The ref gave Alex a telling off, despite ignoring all of the time-out rules himself. The game ended with a 13-6 WIN for Soton, and 3 cheers for the other team – at this point, Katie whispered “Who are we playing against?”. The girls jumped in for a photoshoot and fresher, Charlotte, was so excited that she jumped in with her glasses on. The team headed for a McWin, but it was a bit of an L for Antonia who asked for water and got a mysterious pink liquid. Southampton Women now sit at the top of the league table – semester two, we’re coming for you.

Man of the Match

Rhia Perks – So committed to the club that she will not leave, scored 4 goals and won 3 swim offs despite not playing in 2 years. Some may call it cocky to give yourself man of the match, and they would be correct #SorryNotSurrey.

On a serious note, all 13 ladies and Alex are man of the match – everyone played/coached incredibly well, and they’ve had such a good semester. But they didn’t write the match report lol.

Dick of the Day

The ref – for his incorrect hand signals and lack of understanding of time-outs.

Names – Goals/Majors

Antonia Neild – 0/0

Emily Bownes – 0/0

Abbie Turner – 1/0

Char Davis – 1/0

Georgia Skelton – 0/0

Rhia Perks – 4/1

Katie Magill – 5/1

Megan Harvey – 1/0

Lucia Ciardo – 0/0

Esme Poole – 0/0

Natalia Tsouka – 1/0

Jasmine Brown – 0/0

Charlotte Ratledge – 0/0

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