A Poor(tsmouth) Performance

Report Author: Finn Thomas

Game: Southampton Men vs Portsmouth

Location: Jubilee Sports Centre

Score: 3-15

Date: 23/11/22

The latest chapter in the tale of Southampton’s Biggest Boys saw them come face to face with some even bigger boys in the shape of Pompey’s Men’s team. After a quick warm up we were underway with Finn winning the swim-off setting off a very tight opening quarter. With both teams careful not to get drawn out we had to wait until the 5th minute for a goal which eventually came from Pompey. Another cagey few minutes followed before 2 quick goals in 30 seconds gave Portsmouth a 3-0 lead at the break.

The second quarter started with Finn winning the swim-off but a rapid 4th goal for Pompey followed. In the rest of the quarter Portsmouth began to show their true colours with a kick out and man up for Southampton. Southampton were, unfortunately, unable to capitalise as Til decided to show he too can play dirty and swam straight over his opposite man. Another tight quarter ended with Mat firing in to make it 4-1 at the half.

The third quarter started with a switch up at the back. Nathan Dimond, SUWPC veteran, announced himself as an experienced keeper and Michael couldn’t have handed him the red hat any faster – wishing to continue his outfield success from the Essex game. Sadly, the next 4 goals instead came from Portsmouth after a series of scuffles and the occasional attempted murder which led Mat to leave to pool to cool off, as well as a lot of boos and heckles from the audience. Nathan however cemented his place, much to his dismay, as the shallow end keeper with some exceptional saves despite some questionable following of the nipples underwater policy. Continuing from the second quarter there were a collection of Pompey exclusions to go with their goals in what became a chaotic quarter. Determined not to be left behind on goals and exclusions Til stepped up and secured another major for Soton, which is apparently better than an empty match sheet. Within 52 seconds, Til earned a third major by giving away a tactical penalty to get himself wrapped. A couple more goals for Portsmouth and a fine effort from Howard saw us end the quarter at 10-2.

With Portsmouth living up to their violent reputation, the message in the break was to match them for aggression and after Southampton won the swim off this plan was quickly put into action. There were kickouts for both sides and another fine finish from Mat in the first few minutes of the final quarter as Southampton rose to the challenge spurred on by some raucous support going into the final few minutes. Mat, jealous of the time Til got to spend on the bench, decided to get himself wrapped too with a third major. It was Portsmouth who finished strongest with 3 unanswered goals bringing the match to an end at 15-3 Portsmouth.

After a team photo, some murderball was required to vent our frustration before the boys emerged from Jubilee battered, bruised, and begging for a pint.

Man of the Match – Mat Hughes for battling like prime Mike Tyson against someone twice his size (at least)

Dick of the Day – Finn for fighting like prime Jake Paul – no action, lots of shouting and complaining

Names – Goals/Majors

Michael Scott – 0/0

Nathan Dimond – 0/0

Mathew Hughes – 2/3

Finn Thomas – 0/0

Miro Milanov – 0/0

Woody Cho 0/1

Daniel Ammon – 0/0

Edward Wilkes – 0/1

Alex Wilmshurst – 0/0

James Popple – 0/0

Howard Teng – 1/1

Vincenzo Bancale – 0/0

Til Jordan 0/3

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