Report Author: Ed Wilkes

Game: Southampton Men vs Essex

Location: Jubilee Sports Centre

Score: 16-5

Date: 8/2/23

Southampton’s biggest boys went into this one confident. We’d had an enjoyable time the last time we played Essex with a 23-4 win, followed by a particularly good Windos – shame about their pool giving 2 of our men skin infections (including yours truly). This confidence was buoyed by their Instagram story asking for any men that could swim to meet them in the car park – we all wanted goals, and plenty of them.

The match got off to a suboptimal start, despite Scotty’s swim-off victory, with an early penalty being put away by their 12, putting them one up despite Howard’s best efforts in goal. The first quarter was a shaky one – we went off hot out the gates and played some slightly messy polo. This was not of any major concern though – El Capitan nabbed his first goal of the day (subtle foreshadowing) and Scotty showing us that those long arms of his are just as good as catapulting balls into the net as they are slapping them away from one, with two consecutive goals. The quarter ended 3-1.

The 2nd quarter was a bit of wild one, with 9 goals being scored. The swim-off was lost, but the ball smoothly taken back by Luke, and held by Matt with raw physicality. We then sprang back onto the counter with a nice pit pass, which sadly did not come to fruition. Essex then ‘countered’ – or more accurately left a bloke in the shallow end (12), who slotted it in with goal that could rather easily be called standing. Maybe Howard would’ve had a better shot at stopping it had he realised he could stand up. The dynamic duo of Scott and El Capitan made a swift retort with a borderline erotic dry pass into pit and slotted in by Scott. My captain then made it 5-2 with a lovely shot from 7m out. Their 12, the resident larger fellow (look at me being PC) who they left in the shallow end, then managed to lob Howard after a quick scrap with Ammon. Our retort was the type of stuff that Pres daydreams about as we finally clocked that we could just play man-up when they leave a man in the shallow end. What followed was a rapid set-up showing us all that Pres was right when he made us do it for the last 3 weeks non-stop. Ammon demonstrated a lovely pass into Gil, which he promptly slotted in from 2.001m out, definitely no less, textbook stuff on his debut game. Their 12 – calling him by just a number is starting to feel a bit rude given he was half their team in more ways than one, so I’ll call him Yano from now on – then slotted in another with quite some power. We returned with a proper arc setup – Essex should probably get a coach – which promptly led to Popple nabbing his first (he wishes this was foreshadowing) from the pit-ish. Woody then got himself on the scoresheet following a lovely long pit pass from Gil, which Woody put straight into the net – textbook stuff again from the both of them. Popple had a go at some undeniably smooth flicks with the ball but had clearly forgotten he had scored his annual goal mere minutes earlier as his pop at goal was swatted away. Their captain finally joined Yano on the Essex score sheet – he was starting to get a bit lonely – with a rather messy flick that floated into the net but, a goal’s a goal eh. The second quarter ended 9-4.

Woody kicked off the next quarter in style, flicking it in from 2m with 2 players hot on his heels. Dimond then decided he wanted some space on the scoresheet, smashing in two consecutive goals from 7m out with the expected high power – just lucky they didn’t also end up the expected 3m high. The team then put out another goal off the pages, with a clean arc and pit pass from Draper giving Woody the chance to complete his hat trick and Draper his second consecutive assist. A strong 3^rd quarter from the boys, with the requested clean sheet from Pres, and some much cleaner polo than the first quarter leaving us 13-4.

The 4th quarter was another lovely one from the lads, with Ben kicking it off with a scrappy but saucey debut goal from the 2m line. El Capitan then decided to slot in another goal from 7m out because, well, why not. Yano wasn’t having it and, despite our cap’s best efforts, smashed it in under Howards arms – one of his better goals according to Ratledge from the side lines. To round off the game, Dimond completed his hattrick with a strong shot from 6m out, blinder of a game from him. The biggest boys ended with a 16-5 Win.

Man of the Match – Oli Gil. There are many good options for this award – Nathan’s sexy hattrick, El Capitan with 4 and Woody and Scotty with 3. However, it’s got to go to Gil for some lovely positional play, passing and playing his role in man-up to a tee resulting in a debut goal on his debut game.

Dick of the Day – Ed Wilkes. No major cock-ups in this one from anyone, so this one’s going to me for playing 2 and a bit quarters and doing nothing deserving a mention on this most spectacular of documents.

Names – Goals/Majors 

Michael Scott – 3/0

Edward Wilkes – 0/0 

Adam Draper – 0/1

Daniel Ammon – 0/4

Woody Cho – 3/0 

James Popple – 1/0

Howard Teng – 0/0 

Nathan Dimond – 3/0

Ben Lynch – 1/0

Luke Bennalick – 0/0

Oli Gil – 1/0

Matt Smith – 0/0

Sam Ellis – 0/0