The day began with the arduous drive up to the world’s most vertically challenged pool, featuring only one emergency piss break. Upon arrival, the boys were riled up and raring for a fight. Little did we know, Barts were too, although we soon discovered they were considerably more interested in scrapping than actually playing water polo.

After getting changed, it became apparent that the Barts captain wasn’t particularly technically gifted when it came to the BUCS app, as the eight players originally listed on the team sheet had somehow multiplied into ten. An impressive display of reproductive efficiency.

Upon entering what can only loosely be described as a ‘pool’, with a shallow end that barely covered our ankles, the beating began. Unfortunately for Barts, the lack of depth wasn’t limited to their pool.

The first quarter saw SUWPC establish their dominance, partly due to Barts suffering from a severe case of skill issues, but largely thanks to our cracked keeper, Mr Oldham. Youseff opened the scoring within the first 30 seconds before apparently deciding that hitting the target was overrated, a philosophy he maintained for the remainder of the match.

Despite some questionable refereeing decisions, the boys continued to dominate. Barts somehow managed to finish the game with zero majors, while poor, innocent Youseff was sent out twice for reasons that remain a mystery to this day. Evidently, the referees were determined to give Barts a fighting chance. Unfortunately for them, even that wasn’t enough.

Barts struggled to get within five metres of our goal, eventually requiring TWO Southampton players to be sent out just to manage a shot on target. A truly inspiring attacking performance.

Goals came courtesy of Youseff, Fernando (x3), Andy (x2), Toby, Matt and Ed, with the boys making light work of the opposition despite the questionable pool dimensions and even more questionable refereeing.

Following a glorious victory, the superior team celebrated in style, treating the changing rooms to some beautiful Chris de Burgh shower tunes, followed by a spot of fresher karaoke. A fitting end to a dominant performance.

Man of the Match: Gammon 🏆

Dick of the Day: Youseff 🍆

Match report written by Weekes, redacted by Jackson.

Goals/Majors:

Elliot Oldham: 0/0

Tom Weekes: 0/1

Toby Fotheringham: 1/0

Matt Holman: 1/0

Andrew Hibbetts: 2/0

Alwin Chan: 0/0

Jack James: 0/1

Fernando Alvarez: 3/1

Darragh Wale: 0/0

Yousef Hassan: 1/2

Ed Jackson: 1/1