First Half
Having beaten KCL twice previously, the boys headed into Jubilee on Wednesday evening hoping to make it three from three. Unfortunately, Southampton had apparently decided that playing water polo was optional, and getting wrapped was the main objective.
The first quarter actually started well, with KCL picking up the opening exclusion. Finn Thomas, clearly inspired, decided to collect two of his own, helping KCL on their way to a 3-0 lead. Jack James then kindly gave away a penalty, which KCL somehow missed. A pretty solid opening quarter, provided you ignore absolutely everything that happened.
The second quarter saw Southampton continue its charitable efforts. Matt Holman started things off by giving away a penalty, followed by Tom Weekes and Fernando Alvarez, who clearly thought it would be rude not to contribute. Alvarez, as always, kept his cool and remained calm and collected throughout. Captain Andy Hibbetts and Jack also picked up majors, ensuring the table had plenty to keep themselves entertained.
At 5-0 down, Finn finally remembered which end Southampton were supposed to be shooting at and managed to get one past the KCL keeper. The comeback was on. Naturally, KCL scored again shortly afterwards.
Half-time: 6-1. Brilliant.
The third quarter was where things got silly. Andy grabbed Southampton’s second goal, before Jack decided he’d played quite enough water polo for one evening and became the first player to wrap. KCL then scored another three, bringing the score to 9-2.
Southampton called a timeout, presumably to establish whether any of the boys had actually played water polo before. Whatever was said clearly worked wonders, as KCL immediately scored again.
Finn then completed his hat-trick of majors, followed by Youssef Hassan, who managed two exclusions and a penalty in the same quarter. Alvarez also got wrapped, bringing the total to four. At this point, the bench was starting to look less like a water polo team and more like a disciplinary hearing.
At 11-2 down, Tom Weekes decided that the best way to beat a KCL keeper who’d spent the evening impersonating a brick wall was to take a shot from the corner. Unsurprisingly, it was saved. Luckily, the rebound fell straight to Holman, who managed to put it away. Tom somehow got credited with an assist, so he’ll undoubtedly be claiming it was all part of the plan.
11-3. Only eight goals in it. Game on.
The final quarter saw Andy complete his hat-trick, apparently fed up with the rest of the boys being completely useless. Three goals from the captain, more than the rest of Southampton managed combined. No need to make everyone else look that bad Andy.
Meanwhile, club president Elliot Oldham, still relatively new to playing in goal, was having an absolutely horrendous evening courtesy of Southampton’s defending. Despite the boys seemingly deciding he needed some extra penalty practice, Elliot managed an impressive 21 saves. Twenty-one. Most people would’ve simply got out and gone home by that point.
Clearly, the presidency comes with responsibilities nobody mentioned during the election.
With the score at 14-5, Southampton called another timeout, presumably to ask everyone to stop getting excluded. Having watched four teammates get wrapped, Holman clearly took this advice on board and promptly gave away another penalty, becoming the fifth and final member of the club. One goal and three majors. At least he contributed to both sides of the scoresheet.
Tom then managed one final exclusion before the whistle, just in case the table thought they were getting an early finish.
Full-time: Southampton 5-14 KCL.
Five goals, five players wrapped and 19 major fouls. Quite an impressive achievement when you think about it, although perhaps not one the club should be particularly proud of.
Credit to Andy for his hat-trick, Elliot for preventing the scoreline from becoming too embarrassing, and the table for keeping track of whatever the hell Southampton were doing.
Five players managed to get themselves wrapped, KCL got a fairly comfortable win, and the rest of the boys got a front-row seat to some truly questionable water polo.
Plenty of positives to take away. Just struggling to think of many.
MVP: Elliot Oldham
An impressive 21 saves from the club president, who spent most of the evening facing penalties and wondering whether any of his defenders fancied giving him a hand. Still relatively new between the sticks, Elliot somehow managed to keep the scoreline respectable despite having about as much protection as a chocolate teapot. A well-deserved MVP.
Honourable mention to captain Andy Hibbetts, whose three-goal hat-trick saw him outscore the rest of the team combined. Bit selfish really, making everyone else look that bad.
Dick of the Day: The Wrap Club
A five-way tie between Finn Thomas, Jack James, Youssef Hassan, Fernando Alvarez and Matthew Holman.
Special mentions to Finn for getting two-thirds of the way there in the first quarter, Jack for being the first to call it a night, Youssef for his impressive third-quarter performance, Fernando for his unwavering composure, and Holman for watching all four get wrapped before apparently deciding it looked like a good idea.
Goals / Majors
Elliot Oldham: 0/0
Thomas Weekes: 0/2
William Greenfield: 0/0
Finn Thomas: 1/3
Matthew Holman: 1/3
Andrew Hibbetts: 3/2
Darragh Wale: 0/0
Jack James: 0/3
Fernando Alvarez: 0/3
Toby Fotheringham: 0/0
John Nelson: 0/0
Yousef Hassan: 0/3
Edward Jackson: 0/0
Total: 5/19
Written by Matthew Holman.
